


Liquid Amber

by DreamingLostGirlofNeverland



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, I promise, Rejection, but also fluff, rather angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 07:12:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19000912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingLostGirlofNeverland/pseuds/DreamingLostGirlofNeverland
Summary: If there's one thing you know, it's that you're hopelessly in love with Remus Lupin. And that you haven't got the guts to ask him out. One day, however, you decide to take fate into your own hands - but there's more to Remus Lupin than meets the eye...





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> I also have a Tumblr blog on which I published this, so if you come across this on Tumblr, don't worry. :) Hope you enjoy this little series!

He was as quiet as ever, deeply absorbed into the essay lying infront of him. You could hear the scratching of his quill now and then, the sound of the pages turning, his fingers drumming softly onto the wooden, strongly battered table.  
You often catched yourself staring at the young Gryffindor and today was no different. It was something about his presence that relaxed you, even if you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. Every time you saw him, in the library, like now, in the Great Hall or outside on the school grounds, you catched yourself spacing off and staring at him in a way that was close to being pathetic.  
But you couldn’t help yourself. You had tried, hard. Sadly, however, it is far more difficult to fall out of love than to fall in love – at least, it was for you.  
Thus, avoiding him, reasoning with the rational part of yourself, and attempting to write down every single annoying character trait of him had been of no use. You had only found yourself to fall even more for him.  
And considering you had started to grow feelings for him three months ago, you decided it was finally the time to do something about it.  
Today was the day you would ask Remus Lupin out.  
At least, you meant to. The problem only being you would battle an Acromantula rather than approach the boy you had an absolute hopeless crush on. Fighting off a giant and extremely intelligent spider seemed far easier than asking him out.  
Why was this world so cruel?  
You looked back onto the parchment lying infront of you, completely blank except for your name, the date and the first two sentences. One look into your potions textbook was enough to make you drop your quill onto the table, though. This essay seemed to be a particularly nasty one you would need all your concentration for, only that you were unable to focus on anything right now.  
Naturally, you were aware that pining would make your sitiuation worse than it was before. The best thing you could do, no matter the result, was to ask Remus out on a date and it was about time you stopped avoiding that encounter with everything you could think of, finding excuses constantly.  
Only that was far easier in theory than in real life.  
The sun was about to set when you finally took a deep, rather shaky breath and stood up, slowly making your way over to where Remus was sitting, still deeply absorbed into his homework. Flicking through the pages of his torn text book, he absent-mindedly scratched his chin with the end of his quill, lost in thought.  
Ten steps.  
There was still time to turn away and pretend to be searching the shelves for a book.  
Nine steps.  
Maybe this was a bad idea. Remus was a quiet and reserved boy so if he did have feelings for or at least some kind of interest in you, you were certain he would have hidden them well. Then again, perhaps he simply hadn’t noticed you at all.  
Eight steps.  
Your heart was picking up its pace – it was now racing so hard you could feel it beating against your ribcage.  
Seven steps.  
You pulled your sleeves over your hands as your palms were rather sweaty by now – no need to make the upcoming situation any more awkward than it was already going to be.  
Six steps.  
This was a mistake. You would absolutely and utterly humiliate yourself.  
Five steps.  
Was ist better to go completely unnoticed or to take the risk of embarrassing yourself?  
Four steps.  
Oh merlin oh merlin oh merlin  
Three steps.  
You didn’t want this anymore. What had you been thinking?  
Two steps.  
It was too late to pull back now.  
One step.  
“Hey, Remus.“  
He had only noticed your presence once you had spoken to him, and if he had heard the nervous tone in your voice that you were trying so hard to surpress, he didn’t give it away. Instead, he smiled friendly at you.  
“Hello, (y/n).“  
For a moment, which left you in a state of pure terror, your mind went completely blank.  
_Say something!_ you yelled at yourself.  
 _But what?_  
_Anything!_  
“What’s that essay for?“ you quickly asked, only restraining yourself last minute from practically screaming the question at his face.  
“It’s, uhm, for potions,“ Remus answered, taking a short glance at what he had already written. “I know it’s not due until in two days but I don’t exactly excel at potions, so I thought I should probably put some more effort into this.“ He smiled sheepishly.  
Never in your entire life had you ever been so tense before.  
“Yeah, that’s a good attitude,“ you said. “Besides, it’s a rather tricky essay, isn’t it?“ you added, glad you could contribute something a bit more considerable to the conversation. “I just tried to do it myself but I gave up. Couldn’t focus.“  
_Oh yes, well done_ , you thought sarcastically. _Now he thinks you’re a bloody nitwit!_  
“You can go through my essay if you’d like,“ Remus offered, pushing the parchment into your direction. “I’m just not sure if it’s any good. I’m afraid I’m not a great help when it comes to potions.“ An apologetic smile appeared on his face. For someone who was shuch a reserved person, he did smile quite a lot.  
The sunset was now colouring the sky in the wildest shades and warm golden light fell through the window behind Remus and filled the library. His eyes catched the last sun shines of the day and turned them into liquid amber. You couldn’t help but wonder if anyone had ever noticed before how beautiful his eyes looked in the sunlight. Brown eyes always turned into the most amazing shades but Remus’ in particular were-  
“(Y/N)?“  
Your heart gave a little leap and you suddenly fell out of your daze. “Sorry, I spaced off again. Probably the lack of sleeping.“ _Now he might think you’ve got insomnia._ “What were you saying?“ _And you’re not paying attention to his words. That really is incredibly endearing, (y/n), you’re doing a great job._  
His eyes, still catching the sunlight in such a wonderful way, searched your face worringly. “Is everything alright?“  
You smiled, although quite forced, and pulled your sleeves over your hands. “Of course, I’m fine.“  
“So... you do want to look through my essay?“ He furrowed his brows, now looking a bit confused.  
It was now or never.  
“Actually... I wanted to ask you something,“ you confessed, clinging onto your sleeves as if they were a lifebelt and you were close to drowning. Which, as a matter of fact, you kind of were.  
Remus smiled, oblivious to your inner struggle. “Sure, go ahead. What is it?“  
You swollowed hard before answering: “Would you... uhm... I was just wondering if... I mean, you ... and me... I just wanted to...“ A deep sigh escaped your lips and you closed your eyes defeatedly. “Sorry,“ you muttered.  
Remus laughed quietly. “It’s alright. Just ask me right away, whatever it is. I promise I won’t bite.“  
You looked at him and suddenly wished there would be a shelf falling to the ground, spreading the books into the deepest corners of the library, or an earthquake that would shake the entire school or a dragon attack that would set the forbidden forrest on fire – basically anything that would give you an excuse to not ask him.  
But you had sworn to yourself that you would and besides, you were already far too deep to back out now. There was no going back.  
You took a deep, shaky breath.  
“I was just wondering if you would like to go out with me,“ you said quickly before you could stop yourself again. “Like on a date. With me.“  
Remus’ smile faltered.  
“For example, we could go to Hogsmeade together. Although, that’s not going to be until in a couple of weeks so we could also have a study date of some sort or just... take a walk or something or sit by the lake and just talk-“  
“(Y/N).“  
“-or we could go to your common room and chat for a little while or we’ll radiate the kitchens – provided, of course, we find someone who knows how to get in there, or-“  
_“(Y/N).“_  
Immediately, you stopped your rambling and looked down at Remus who was wearing a rather conflicted expression on his face.  
Your heart stopped. But still, despite the fact that your stomach was tensing up in an incredibly uncomfortable way, an utter calmness suddenly took over you.  
Remus opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again, and looked down at his textbook.  
“I’m sorry, I... I can’t go out with you, (y/n).“  
You swollowed hard and clenched your teeth although you had expected this reaction.  
“Oh... that’s okay. May I ask why not, though?“  
“I just...“ He stopped, and turned his gaze now to his hands which were placed in his lap. “I don’t feel this way about you...“ He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.“  
A lump formed in your throat, making it almost impossible for you to speak, but you still managed to squeeze out the words: “Nah, mate, it’s fine. There’s no need to apologise for your feelings ... or for your lack of feelings.“ Remus winced slightly and you made a grimace once you had realised how harsh your words had sounded. “Sorry,“ you muttered. Remus’ eyes were still firmly attached to his hands which he was looking at has if he was seeing them for the first time in his life and was now wondering how these particular hands belonged to him.  
“I better get going, I still got this bloody potions essay to write...“ You let out a shaky laugh that seemed rather forced just like the smile that had appeared on Remus’ lips. He continued to avoid your gaze and looked more tense than ever, giving you only a curt nod when you bid your goodbye and hasted back to your bag.  
Remus didn’t lift his gaze until you had left the library.  
The sun had now completely set and his sad eyes, which had been the colour of liquid amber before, were now back to a light brown.


	2. Part Two

„... and I really don’t know if I should have continued with Divination because on the one hand, sure it’s a fascinating subject but on the other hand, Professor Trewlany is so incredibly ridiculous, you should’ve heard her yesterday- (Y/N), are you listening to me?“  
At once, you snapped out of the daze you had been in and looked at your friend who was eying you with a bemused expression.  
„Still thinking about him, are you?“  
Sighing deeply, you hunched forwards and rubbed your eyes, utterly exasperated – from both, your work and mind. „Sorry, I just... I can’t get him out of my head, no matter what I do.“  
She smiled. „No worries, (y/n). We’ve all been through that phase. Probably everbody has that one crush they will never forget. It’s normal.“  
„Normal or not, it bloody sucks,“ you grumbled, leaning back in the armchair. The two of you were currently sitting in your common room, occuping an entire table with your school work. Quills, parchment and half-empty ink bottles littered the entire surface and the books you didn’t necessarily need had already been banished onto the floor where they were stacked into a dangerously lose pile. But as long as they didn’t fall into the fireplace, it didn’t bother either of you.  
A huge yawn escaped your mouth and in a rather half-hearted attempt to be productive, you threw a glance at the essay you were currently working on. Once again, it was for your potions class. Like the time you had gathered all of your courage to ask out Remus Lupin but had been turned down and had felt absolutely humiliated for the remainder of the week. Even now, you still had problems looking him in the eye but as Remus was apparenly determined never to speak with you again, it did not cause you a lot of trouble.  
Picking up your quill again only to twirl it in between your fingers, you wondered wether Remus was purposely avoiding you. You wouldn’t be surprised if that were he case; he had looked quite constipated when you had asked him if he wanted to go out with you.  
Your stomach tightened unpleasently. If you had known of Remus’ profound aversion to go out on a date with you, you wouldn’t have approached him in the first place. You hadn’t planned for him to get into that kind of rotten situation. Maybe you should go and apologise to him. Was that something you had to do?  
It had started to rain; heavy drops were whipping against the window and together with the occasional scratching of your friend’s quill made you fall into a hypnotised state while you stared into the depths of the crackling fire.  
„You’re not going to finish that this evening, are you?“  
You simply shook your head, not bothering to raise your eyes.  
Your friend sighed deeply and rolled up her parchment. „Shall we head to bed, then? I’m finished, anyways.“ She groaned loudly as she stretched in her armchair, finally educing a small smile from you.  
„Yeah, good idea. Let’s go to sleep.“

One day, you would be able to look back at this and laugh about it. Your first heartbreak was a good story to tell your grandchildren. _And that, my dear, is how the first bloke I ever fell in love with rejected me, which is great, though, because if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have married your grandfather and you would never have been born._  
Sadly, however, you were far from getting grey hair and wrinkles and telling bed time stories to your children’s children, so you had to endure sitting in class behind Remus and starring at his stupid brown hair which looked so wonderfully soft that you felt the strong urge to run your fingers through it every time your gaze fell upon it.  
And thus, you came to the terribly depressing conclusion that you hated your life. But – of course – you found yourself, once again, unable to despise the person that made your life such a horrible mess. Which made it an even more horrible, messier mess.  
The ringing bell which marked the end of the school day interrupted your flow of thoughts and you quickly gathered your things together, glad for the opportunity to escape.  
While walking back to your common room – you avoided the library as much as you could – you again considered approaching Remus to talk things out. You were still unsure wether or not you owed him an apology, and anyway, you didn’t want things to be awkward between the two of you.  
Not that you had had many opportunities to become aware of said awkwardness – Remus was definitely avoiding you.  
A sigh escaped you, one in a line of many others since that faithful day in the library, and you tried to focus on all the homework and revision you had to do for today. Going over all of your plans in your head, you turned around the corner-  
-and collided straight with another person, causing all of the books in both of your hands to fall and spread onto the ground.  
The clash’s force made you stumble several steps backwards, thankfully though you managed to keep your balance, arms waving around.  
„Shit sorry, mate, are you okay?“ Once you’ve managed to get a stable footing, you lifted your gaze from the stone floor and looked directly into the face of Remus Lupin.  
All colour drained from your cheeks.  
„Oh. Hi, Remus. Didn’t see ya there.“ You laughed forcefully.  
Remus looked at you with a startled expression that quickly turned into one of clear uncomfort.  
„Hello, (y/n),“ he muttered quietly.  
In a desperate attempt to chase away the heavy silence lying between the both of you, you hurriedly gathered up the school books that were scattered around on the stone floor. The two of you stood there in awkward silence, clutching your books to your chests. He was expertedly avoiding your eyes while you were desperately trying to find the right words to say.  
Surprisingly though, it was Remus who first raised his voice,  
„Listen, (y/n), I need to go, so...“  
„Remus-“  
„I forgot something in the library-“ He tried to quickly walk past you but you seized his arm to hold him back. The look he gave you, however, was one of slight surprise and discomfort.  
„I’m sorry,“ you said, unable to hide the sorrow in your eyes. „Listen, I never...“ You interrupted yourself, an uneasy feeling spreading throughout your stomach. „When I asked you out, I never intended on making you feel uncomfortable. I just ... I just wanted to know if I stood a chance. You really don’t have to feel guilty for anything – and I’m sorry for having put you in this situation.“ You licked your lips nervously and let go of his sleeve. „That’s it. I just wanted to apologise. Sorry for bothering you.“  
Remus did not say anything in your defense. Nor did he say anything to blame you. He did, in fact, not say anything at all. He simply stared at you, his brown eyes almost burning a hole into your skull. As you looked into his piercing eyes, finding yourself unable to turn you gaze away from them, your heart forgot how to beat.  
„Remus?“ It was no more than a breath, barely even a whisper, but it was enough to snap him out of his daze. He blinked a few times, then took a hasty step back and cleared his throat. You took a shaky breath – you hadn’t even realised you were holding it.  
„I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you,“ he said hoarsely, looking at the stone floor instead of meeting your eyes. „Believe me, that wasn’t my intention.“  
Your face softened. „I know you didn’t want to hurt me, Remus,“ you whispered. „I’m not mad at you, if that’s what you’re worried about.“  
He lifted his head slightly but then changed his mind and continued to stare at the ground. „Me turning you down... That had nothing to do with you.“  
You took a step back and furrowed your eyebrows. „What do you mean? Of course it had something to do with me.“  
Remus pressed his lips into a thin line and shook his head. „No, (y/n), it didn’t. Please believe me.“  
You opened your mouth to speak but no words came out of it. Remus sighed.  
„(Y/N), I would have rejected any girl that had been in your place.“  
Frowning, you attempted to speak – then you understood. „Oh! Merlin, I am so sorry – I didn’t know you fancy boys. Nobody told me.“  
Abruptly, Remus lifted his head and gave you a startled look. „Wha- No, (y/n), I’m not gay.“  
„Remus, that really isn’t something you have to be ashamed of, no matter what anybody says-“  
„I am not gay!“  
You paused. „Alright... Then what is the problem?“  
Remus attempted to say something but then changed his mind and pressed his lips together. He looked like he regretted ever bumping into you.  
As you examined his face and the tense expression upon it, you sighed in defeat. „You know what, forget it. I’m sorry, that’s none of my business. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry for what happened back in the library.“ A forced smile appeared on your face as you turned to leave. You felt Remus’ burning eyes on you until you had reached the end of the corridor, leaving you more confused than ever before.


	3. Part Three

What was Remus Lupin hiding?  
The question was burning inside of you ever since your encounter in the corridor a few days ago. And even though you knew that it was none of your business, you still were determined to find out.  
Concerning this matter, it was fortunate you fancied Remus as that made you far more observant of him. Whenever you could, you shot glances at him, during meals and classes, and paid special attention to his behaviour. You did notice that he seemed rather sick, he looked pale and peaky and he seemed to be growing weaker by each day.  
Then, he disappeared. When you stepped into the Transfiguration classroom one day, already late, only to find his seat empty, a deep frown appeared on your face. His friends, James, Sirius and Peter, were there, but unusually quiet and had black shadows under their eyes. Peter even fell asleep during the lesson; his soft snores filled the classroom until Sirius nudged him with his ellbow causing Peter to almost fall from his chair. You observed them carefully while pretending to listen to Professor McGonagall’s lecture. Perhaps the Marauders had pulled off an all-nighter of some sort but that still didn’t explain Remus’ absence. Maybe he had a hangover – although you failed to imagine Remus as some kind of party animal.  
Remembering how sickly he had looked the day before, you decided to check the Hospital Wing for him and bring Remus some chocolate bars from Honeyduke’s which you knew he loved.  
However, when you entered the Hospital Wing, you found that it was already occupied. James, Sirius and Peter were huddled around a bed at the far corner of the room, hiding the person lying in it from your view. The expression upon their faces turned into one of surprise once they spotted you, mirroring your own.  
„Sorry,“ you said, taken aback by their presence – although now that you thought about it, you should have expected it. „I didn’t know you were here. I was just looking for Remus.“  
The three of them exchanged looks, as if they knew something you didn’t, and stood up.  
„No problem, we just wanted to leave, anyway,“ Sirius said. Next moment, he groaned all of a sudden, leaving you to raise your eyebrows in surprise. James bent down to whisper something in Remus’ ear who looked rather alarmed. He replied something in a hushed voice but James simply gave him a crooked grin, patted him gently on the shoulder and barely gave Sirius and Peter the chance to say their goodbyes before he pushed them towards the door. Playing with your sleeves, you observed them with furrowed eyebrows.  
„Y’know, if it’s not a good time, I can come back tomorrow or-“  
„Nonsense, the time is perfect,“ James interrupted.  
„Just make sure to be gentle with him,“ said Peter in a concerned voice. „He’s been through a lot.“  
Your frown deepened. „What do you mean?“  
„Just a nasty flu, tha’s all,“ said Sirius quickly, shooting Peter a warning glance. „Nothing to worry about. Give it a few days and he’ll be as good as new.“ He turned to his friends. „C’mon, we best be going.“ They shot you one last glance and Peter flashed a smile, then the door closed behind them, the sound echoing in the room, leaving you and Remus alone in the Hospital Wing.  
You turned around to him and chuckled nervously. „Well, that did not quite go as I expected.“  
Remus didn’t laugh. He didn’t smile. He didn’t give any indication whatsoever that he was happy to see you. He simply stared at you, his eyes shining like liquid amber.  
„What are you doing here?“  
„I missed you in class today. Here.“ You placed the chocolate bars on the nightstand next to his bed. „A little something to cheer you up. Thought you could use it.“  
Remus nodded weakly. „Thank you,“ he muttered and watched you sit down on a chair.  
You smiled sheepishly. „So, the flu, eh?“  
Remus shrugged and pulled the blanket up to his chin. „Happens to the best of us.“  
You took in his appearence with furrowed eyebrows. Remus was whiter than the bedsheets, his face was hallow, and his eyes, usually so attentive and full of warmth, were now dull  
with dark bags circling them, and he looked very thin and weak. You doubted he even had the strength to get up.  
„How are you feeling?“  
Remus turned his head away from you and looked up at the ceiling. „I’m fine.“  
You cocked your head. „And Dumbledore isn’t two-hundred years old.“  
The corner of his mouth twitched. „I don’t think he’s quite that old.“  
„How would you know? Do you know when he was born?“  
„No wizard gets that old.“  
„I wouldn’t be surprised if Dumbledore did. The man is ancient.“  
This finally evoqued a smile from him which you couldn’t help but return. But he remained silent.  
„You don’t really have the flu, do you?“  
Remus’ head spun around, and although he hid it quickly and put on a neutral expression, you did not miss the flash of panic in his eyes.  
„Of course I have the flu. What else should I have?“  
„Remus, you’re as white as a ghost. The flu is terrible but it doesn’t make you look as if you’re on the brink of death.“  
The moment the words left your mouth, you knew you had hit a nerve. Remus’ jaw clenched and his eyes suddenly turned colder. He turned his head to stare at the ceiling, avoiding the worried yet piercing look in your eyes.  
„It’s a nasty one.“  
You snorted. „Sure. Don’t try and fool me, Remus. I know a flu when I see it and whatever it is that you have, it’s not that.“  
He didn’t respond.  
You sighed, regretting the harsh tone in your voice. „Listen, Remus... You don’t have to tell me what you have or why you get sick so often. But... I just want you to know that I’m there for you if you ever do want to talk about it. And whatever it is – I can’t imagine it could change my opinion on you.“ You gave your best to give him an encouraging smile and stood up. „You should eat some chocolate. You’ll feel better afterwards.“  
You knew he wouldn’t answer but still lingered for several moments to a least give him the opportunity to. When your conviction proved to be right, however, you gave him one last half-hearted smile and left the Hospital Wing.

A part of you had hoped that after this incident Remus and you would grow closer but instead Remus was more determined than ever to avoid you. Every time you passed him in the hallway, you felt a painful sting in your heart. However, the original issue of Remus refusing to go out with you became less and less important to you although your crush on him grew stronger by each day.  
Your academic success was quite average but you weren’t stupid – to you there was no doubt that Remus’s illness was the cause of all this trouble, also considering he often looked pale and sickly. Every time you saw him looking particularly weak, your wish to help him grew even more urgent than before but you could only help him with his condition if you knew what it was – and trying to get Remus to open up about his sickness was about as effective as convincing James of writing a love letter to Snape.  
It was two months of this slow torture and several stupid theories later that you realised Remus’s sickness was not only a frequent but also regular occurence. As far as you remembered, he seemed to be getting sick every once a month.  
A deep frown appeared on your face and you turned around in your seat to look at Remus who was taking notes on Professor Flitwick’s words. His face was pale again with dark bags circling his eyes. A strange cut peaked out from under his shirt collor.  
As if he had felt your intent gaze, Remus suddenly lifted his head. For one moment, is amber eyes burned into yours, then his intense expression turned into one of guilt and he quickly looked back down at his notes.

That day you merely picked at your food, your thoughts far away. Your friend watched in concern as you ripped a breadroll into tiny little pieces without eating any of it, staring absent-mindedly onto the wooden table.  
„(Y/N), are you alright?“  
Startled, you looked up, halting in your motion. „Yeah, I uh...“ You hesitated, looking at the breah crumbs in your hand. „Actually, I still got something to do, uh...“ Pushing your plate away, you stood up from the dining table, your friend watching you in confusion. „I’ll catch you up later,“ you promised and left the Great Hall before your friend had even opened their mouth to protest.  
The library was dead quiet as every student was at dinner which was very much to your liking. That way you could follow your suspicions without having to worry about anybody asking unwanted questions.  
Pensively, you let your fingers brush over the back of the old books until you finally pulled one out, feeling the weight of it in your hands. You viewed the cover thoughtfully for a moment before you tucked it under your arm and continued to collect more books.  
Half an hour later, you carried a great stash of books out of the library, carefully transporting them the long way to your common room as they didn’t all fit into your bag.  
„What the hell is that?“ your friend asked incredulously as you entered your dorm room and let the books fall onto your bed where they scattered all over your blanket.  
„Books,“ you answered.  
Your friend raised their eyebrows. „Really,“ they said blankly. „Good thing you explained that, I had no idea.“ You threw them an half-annoyed, half-amused glance as they strolled over to your bedside and viewed the book titles.  
„ _Magical Diseases and Epidemics_ ,“ they read aloud, „ _Dragon Pox or Measles? An Encyclopedia on Magical Maladys_.“ They raised their head to look at you, their eyebrows raised so high they almost disappeared in their hairline. „Are you sick?“  
„No,“ you said, shaking your head, and started stacking the books on the nightstand, pushing your friend aside as you did. „It’s ... a new hobby.“  
„A hobby?“  
„Yes. That’s what you call an enjoyable freetime activity,“  
„I didn’t know purulent dragon pox were an enjoyable free time activity.“  
You threw her an annoyed glance as you put another book on the growing stack. „It’s an interesting topic as I have realised.“  
„And you had to skip dinner to get those books?“  
„Yes,“ you said, avoiding your friend’s eyes.  
You knew she didn’t believe a single thing you had said but thankfully, she didn’t further inquire. Instead, she rolled their eyes and let herself fall onto her own bed. „I always knew you were weird,“ she said. „Just make sure you don’t actually get sick. I don’t fancy getting dragon pox.“  
„No one is going to get dragon pox,“ you returned, but a small smile was tugging at your lips. The two of you walked down to your common room to do your homework which, although you had quite some trouble concentrating on, you hurried to finish, so you could get back to your books.  
Remus Lupin had a problem and you were determined to find out what it was.


	4. Part Four

The silvery light of the full moon was shining into the room and the only sounds to be heard were the soft, steady breaths of your dormmates. Your figure, sitting cross-legged on the bed, was throwing a long shadow onto the floor. An open book was lying in your lap, but you didn’t pay any attention to it. Instead, you were staring absent-mindedly out of the window, your mind surprisingly calm despite the knowledge you had now gained.  
The full moon was beautiful but cold in the pitch-black night, a distant viewer of this cruel world. Your heart ached at the thought of what Remus must be going through right now, trapped in an eternal cicle of pain and madness he could never escape.  
You turned your head and took a brief look at the open page, the detailed drawing and the title stamped in big letters across the top of the page: _LYCANTHROPY_.  
It had taken weeks of research for you to find out about Remus’ affliction, and now that you finally knew, your mind had gone completely blank. You weren’t sure what you had expected but it was certainly not this.  
And there were still so many questions left unanswered. Where did he go during the full moon? Where did his friends go? Did Dumbledore know of this? He had to – did that mean he had arranged all of this?  
So many questions... And only one person who could answer them.

He was in the Hospital Wing, as you had expected, whiter than the bedsheets he was lying on, and the shadows under his eyes darker than ever before.  
He looked like a ghost.  
Quietly, you crossed the room until you had reached his bed in the far corner and sat down next to him. He was fast asleep. The thick blanket rose and fell steadily with each of his breaths.  
You watched him for a while. Now that you knew what Remus’ problem was, suddenly all these tiny little details that had been so subtle before and seemingly irrelevant now sprang to your eye with obvious meaning. The wrinkles in his face, despite his young age, the pale shadows of scars on his skin, the bandages around his arms, the wounds peaking out from under his shirt... He did look like he had been battling a wolf.  
Only now you knew that wasn’t far from the truth.  
A part of you expected to feel disgusted at the sight of him. The part of you that knew werewolves were classified as dangereous creatures of the class XXXXX. The part of you that knew there was a Werewolf Capture Unit for a reason. The part of you that knew of all the cruel things Fenrir Greyback had done and was capable of.  
But you didn’t. You felt only pity. Pity for the boy who lost himself every month and who would get shut out by every soul if somebody found out.  
It was there, as you looked at Remus’ vulnerable self, that you realised what would perhaps be the most important lesson of your life.  
None of this was his fault.  
You left the Hospital Wing before Remus woke up. It wasn’t the right place to tell him.  
For the next few days you carried on as though nothing had changed, but you kept watching Remus from afar, watched as he regained his strength and spirit. And yet you delayed the inevitable confrontation. Every time you saw him, you made up a new excuse – “Not now, he’s with his friends“, “Not now, I’m meeting up with Mary a few minutes“, “Not now, he is looking so happy“ – when in reality, you were simply afraid. Afraid of telling him, afraid of his reaction. Afraid of how things would change.  
Until one day.  
It was in Defence Against the Dark Arts class; Peter had caught the flu, leaving him sick in the Hospital Wing and Remus without a sitting partner. You saw the opportunity and – to your own surprise – seized it.  
Muttering a quick excuse to your friend, you swiftly slid onto the empty seat next to Remus. He lifted his head, startled, and gave you a confused look.  
In a split second you realised you must be looking extremely desperate and needy to him, but you quickly put on a bright smile before you could drown in your own embarrassement. After all, the reason you were sitting there was not because you were desperate and needy. This was about Remus.  
“You won’t mind if I sit here, right?“ you asked him, still smiling.  
Remus opened his mouth to respond, but you cut him off before he could.  
“Great!“ You placed your book, ink and parchment on the table before Remus got the chance to protest.  
As the professor at the front began his speech about nonverbal spells, he turned away from you, and the class quickly settled down and fell quiet.  
All but you.  
You saw the professor talking. Saw his mouth moving, his hands gesturing... But you didn’t hear a single word he said. Not with Remus sitting right next to you, not with the tension growing between the two of you. Not with his hand lying only a few inches next to your own.  
Far too quickly you had to get up to push the tables aside and as you got to the practical part of today’s lesson, everybody paired up. James and Sirius, Lily and Marlene... Remus and you.  
You found a free space in the middle of all the students and turned to face each other, at least a foot between the two of you.  
Remus pulled out his wand from under his robes; his adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed and adjusted his stance. You smiled weakly at him before mirroring his posture, the tip of your wand pointing towards him.  
Although the class had been practicing nonverbal spells for a while now, not everybody was yet able to perform them, you among those who couldn’t.  
But Remus could. He could do it perfectly.  
When your wand flew out of your hand for the third time this day, Remus lowered his own. He looked like he wanted to say something, but several moments passed before he actually did.  
“You’re concentrating too hard,“ he said quietly.  
You furrowed your eyebrows and gave him a confused look. “You’re _supposed_ to concentrate.“  
“Yes, but you’re too ... constipated,“ Remus said. “Try to relax. Concentrate less on wanting to block me but more on the actual spell.“  
Your mouth opened in a voiceless answer, but the words got stuck in your throat. It had been weeks since Remus had talked to you, and you had forgotten how much you adored the sound of his voice.  
“Thank you,“ you breathed.  
He smiled weakly. “Ready?“  
You nodded and raised your wand to chest-height. “Ready.“  
Remus flicked his wand – and your own flew out of your hand once more. Remus quickly snatched it out the air before it fell to the ground. Your shoulders slumped down.  
“It takes a while,“ Remus said.  
You shrugged and shook your head. “I just can’t concentrate today.“  
A line appeared between Remus’ eyebrows. “Are you alright?“ he asked quietly as though he was afraid of the answer.  
You locked eyes with him, and the words that had been stuck in your throat were now threatening to burst out.  
You came to your senses just in time and quickly bit your tongue and nodded. Remus didn’t seem convinced, but he didn’t further inquire.  
The rest of the lesson was about as successful as the first few minutes and when the bell rang, you were glad to pack your things together.  
Remus was throwing his stuff so fast into his bag that he only took a few seconds before he was slinging the strap of his bag over his shoulder and turned to leave the room.  
But you were prepared and swiftly slid over to block his way. Remus stopped and pressed his lips together, looking straight at the door behind you. Students were impatiently pushing past you, but you didn’t mind them in the slightest. Your attention was soley focussed on Remus.  
“Can we talk?“ you asked. “It’s important.“  
Remus looked rather constipated; his teeth were clenched and his eyes were fixed at a point directly over your head.  
“I... uhm... This isn’t really a good time,“ he said hoarsley.  
“It’s never a good time, Remus,“ you said quietly.  
Remus didn’t respond.  
You bit your lip and turned your head away from him, smiling sadly to yourself. You hadn’t expected a different reaction, but that hadn’t stopped the hope from bubbling up inside of you.  
You let out a quiet sigh and looked back at him. “Meet me here tonight at eight o’clock. I would really appreciate it if you came.“  
Finally, Remus looked at you. His brown eyes were darker than usual. Not the shade of liquid amber you loved so dearly, but still so beautiful.  
But you didn’t linger around to hear the answer he never gave. Instead, you flashed him one last sad smile and turned around, walking out of the classroom without looking back.


	5. Part Five

Time stretched like a package of Droobles Best Chewing Gum. With every glance you took at the clock, its hand seemed to be creeping along even slower, taunting you, torturing you, until the constant ticking was the only thing echoing in your mind.  
When the time to meet Remus had finally arrived, it seemed like a miracle to you. You already went to the now empty Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom thirty minutes early because you couldn’t stand the waiting any longer, but you found you weren’t any less nervous there than before. Your heart was thumping, your palms were sweating, the blood was rushing in your ears...  
You were sitting on the teacher’s desk, the heels of your feet bumping steadily against the wood as you swung your legs to an unheard rhythm.  
Ten to eight.  
There was no need for Remus to be as overly punctual as you were. There was still enough time.  
Eight to eight.  
Words were swirling around in your mind, but you failed spectacularly at putting them in a consistent order. Nothing made sense. Nothing had meaning.  
Six to eight.  
The heels of your feet were numb from colliding with the desk. You didn’t stop.  
Five to eight.  
Enough time...  
Four to eight.  
Was this really such a good idea? Maybe he would get angry. It was his own business, after all.  
Three to eight.  
No. You had to talk to him. Even if he didn’t want you to interfere in any way, he had the right to know that you knew.  
Two to eight.  
He was not running late. Not yet.  
One to eight.  
Not yet.  
The clock stroke eight o’clock.  
Remus wasn’t there.  
At five past eight, you were still patiently waiting. At ten past eight your legs stopped swinging. At twenty past eight you turned your eyes away from the clock. And at half past eight you admitted to yourself that Remus wouldn’t be coming. That he had never planned on coming at all.  
You weren’t surprised. In some way, you were actually almost thankful that he had freed you from having this conversation you had been so nervous about the entire day. But for the most part, you were simply disappointed. Yes, you had known better, but hoped for so much more. Hoped for him to at least listen to you. Just this once. This one time when you had so much to say.  
You didn’t leave immediately. For a while, you just sat there on the desk, alone with your thoughts. The clock’s hand crept on, its ticking echoing in the dark classroom, wandering from half past eight to twenty to nine to ten to nine, and you were still sitting there in the dark classroom, still hoping for what you knew wouldn’t happen.  
You knew it was time to leave. But you couldn’t quite bring yourself to it. Not just yet...  
It was almost nine when the door to the classroom suddenly creaked open and a figure stepped in, tall and slender. You lifted your head, not trusting your eyes on what they were seeing.  
Remus seemed almost startled to see you there but still he smiled at you. It was a rather forced smile but it was a smile nonetheless. He could have yelled at you for all you cared – he had shown up and that was all that mattered.  
Remus closed the door behind him. “I didn’t think you’d still be here,“ he admitted and stuffed his hands deep into the pockets of his trousers.  
You gave him a weak smile from your place on the desk. “I’m somewhat surprised myself.“  
“So...“ Remus took a few steps into the room. “You wanted to talk?“  
You nodded, so slightly it was almost impossible for him to see in the darkness. “I’m glad you came,“ you said quietly.  
Remus made an odd motion, a mixture of a shrug and a nod. “I figured I owe you at least that.“  
You breathed a laugh. “For turning me down? I told you before, Remus. It’s okay.“  
The corner of his mouth curled up in an awkward smile, and his eyes began to flicker around the room to avoid your gaze. You didn’t mind much. You knew he was listening.  
“I knew there was something going on with you,“ you began. “You seemed so troubled and you were sick so often... I knew something was off and I wanted to help you. But you wouldn’t tell me what was going on, so... I took matters into my own hand.“  
Remus furrowed his eyebrows. An alarming look appeared in his eyes, the same look you had seen when you had visited him in the Hospital Wing. It seemed like ages ago.  
“I did a lot of research,“ you continued. “The amount of books I read... I don’t think anyone in this castle knows more about magical diseases than I do, so if you have questions, I’m your guy.“  
Remus didn’t laugh. He stood, still as a statue, and stared at you with a look of pure horror in his eyes he didn’t even bother to hide.  
You let out a quiet sigh. “I know, Remus.“  
For a moment, there was dead silence. Then-  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.“  
“Remus-“  
“No.“  
He turned on his heel and was halfway through the classroom when you said, “Remus, please.“  
To your surprise, he stopped, almost at the door, but he didn’t turn around. You heard his sharp breaths and the ticking of the clock on the wall.  
“How long have you known?“  
“A few days,“ you answered. “Maybe a week.“  
His shoulders had dropped defeatedly. His head was lowered; he was staring at the ground. You wished you could have been able to see his face but he still had his back turned towards you.  
“Is that why you’ve ordered me here?“ he suddenly asked in a hoarse voice. “To tell me you know what I am? To tell me I’m a monster?“  
Your head snatched up; a deep frown appeared on your face and you jumped from the desk. Without delay you walked straight through the classroom, stepping around Remus so you were able to face him.  
His gaze was still lowered to the floor; he was fixing the stone with his eyes, refusing to look at you.  
But you looked at him.  
“You’re not the monster, Remus,“ you said firmly. “You’re the victim.“  
Remus blinked and raised his head. For a moment, there was only the look of confusion on his face. “W-What?“  
You smiled softly. “You heard me. Stop putting yourself down for something that isn’t your fault.“  
Remus breathed a bitter laugh and looked away. A muscle in his jaw jumped as he clenched his teeth. “You don’t know what you’re saying.“  
“I’ve done my research, Remus,“ you said. “The wolf is a part of you. But it’s not you.“  
Remus’ entire body was shaking although he was wearing both his jumper and robes, and his chest was rising and falling heavily.  
“I’ve ’ordered’ you here to tell you I know you’re a werewolf,“ you continued, your voice remaining firm even when you saw Remus flinching at the word. “And to tell you it doesn’t change a thing.“  
Remus’ eyes were fixed on your own. Your heart raced as you looked at him and you wanted nothing more than to wrap your arms around him and tell him everything would be okay. But you knew he would just run off again like he always did.  
“You... You don’t think I’m a-“ He halted, forcing the words to come out of his mouth. “I’m a-“  
“Monster?“ You smiled bitterly. “No. No, I don’t.“  
You hadn’t felt like lighting the room when you had entered, so there was not even candlelight to enlighten it. Remus’ face was hidden in the shadows; only because you were standing so close to each other could you make out his expression. His eyes were grazing over your face, a frown on his face. He looked like he didn’t know what to say. Or even think.  
“I told you I wanted to help you,“ you whispered and took a step closer. Remus gulped, but he didn’t turn away from you. “But I can only help you if you’ll let me.“  
“You can’t help me,“ he muttered.  
“I refuse to accept that,“ you said.  
Remus breathed a laugh. “You’re a persistent one, aren’t you?“  
“You’re saying that as though it was something bad,“ you replied with twinkling eyes.  
The corner of his mouth twitched. “I suppose it depends on the person.“  
„I’ll take that as a compliment.“  
Remus chuckled. Then, his expression turned more solemn again. “Are you... Do you really...“  
He found himself unable to finish the question, but he didn’t have to for you to understand.  
“Yes, I do,“ you said with a gentle smile. “Remember what I told you back in the Hospital Wing?“ Remus cocked his head slightly to the side. “I told you whatever it was that you were going through, it could never change my opinion on you. And I was right, wasn’t I? I still feel the same way about you I did all those weeks ago.“  
A smile had appeared on Remus’ face but when you spoke the last part of your sentence, he suddenly furrowed his eyebrows. “Feel?“  
Your breath hitched in your throat as you realised your mistake. “Think,“ you said quickly. “I meant ... think.“  
“(Y/N),,,“  
“It doesn’t matter, really...“  
But suddenly, Remus had bent down and kissed you. It wasn’t more than a light touch of your lips, but it was enough to make your heart stop in your chest.  
After only a moment, Remus pulled back, though, slowly, his mouth slightly agape. You stared at him with wide eyes as he straightened up again, seemingly startled by what he had just done.  
“I’m – I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“  
“Remus-“  
“I should’ve asked you first-“  
_“Remus!“_  
Remus fell silent. His chest was rising and falling heavily as he stared down at you. You still couldn’t see his face, but you were sure a blush was rising to his cheeks.  
A smile spread out on your face as you slowly stepped forward, your hand lying on his chest, causing him to walk backwards until he stumbled against his desk and sat down.  
For a moment, you simply took him in, biting your lip as you did and smiling to yourself. Remus’ brown hair was falling into his forehead and his soft eyes were gazing into your own, flickered from your eyes to your lips and back to your eyes. Your smile widened as you slowly leaned it, your face inching towards his.  
Remus still had the time to stop you if he wanted to. But he didn’t. He sat there and waited, his breath going faster each moment. He licked his lips nervously; your breath mingled with his, your heart thumped in your chest, your noses brushed...  
And then, your lips touched.  
It was soft, at first, light as a feather. Your lips carefully moved against each other, testing, exploring, only slowly daring to go further. You heart was doing cartwheels in your chest as your fingers moved up his thighs and his own, big hands snuck around your waist to pull you closer. You tilted your head slightly to the side, your lips moved faster, the kiss became deeper; Remus arms were now hugging your back, pressing you as close as possible while yours were tightly wrapped around his neck, one hand entangled in his soft, thick hair. You two were clinging to each other as though you were drowning, the kiss becoming deeper and more desperate with each moment.  
Only when you were in need of air did you break this kiss. But you didn’t let go of each other. Breathing heavily, you stared into each other’s eyes and then leaned forwards to rest your foreheads against each other.  
Suddenly, you breathed a laugh. “Wow.“  
Remus chuckled. “Yeah. Wow.“  
You grinned. “This conversation turned out better than I expected.“  
A smile appeared on Remus’ face. “I must say I haven’t expected that either.“  
“So... that thing that we do, that we don’t talk to each other... I take it that’s over now?“ you asked, seemingly casual, but your stomach tightly knotted together.  
A shadow flickered over Remus’ face.  
Your fingers strocked his neck, kept him in place. “Let me help you, Remus. Please.“  
But Remus let go of you. He loosened your grip around his neck and let out a deep breath as he lowered your hands, intertwining your fingers. Then, he pressed a soft kiss to your hand.  
“There’s only so much you can do,“ he whispered against your fingers. “But if that’s truly what you want.“  
“It is,“ you breathed. “I care about you, Remus. A lot. And I want to help you.“  
“Why?“  
You lifted your gaze. Remus was looking at you with such vulnerability in his soft eyes that it took your breath away. “Because you’re a good person, Remus. And I really, really like you. Like, my-heart-stops-beating-every-time-you-walk-by-and-I-want-to-take-you-out-for-dinner-kind of like.“  
Remus let out a shaky breath. He was silent for such a long time that you began to fear you had overstepped your boundaries. But then, he said “I’d also like to take you out for dinner.“  
You laughed. Your knees turned weak with relief. “That sounds like a plan,“ you whispered, a smile playing at your lips, and leaned in to kiss him once more; a kiss which Remus was more than happy to return.  
Turned out Remus did like you, after all.


End file.
